It is always difficult to introduce yourself to strangers. I have never really been good at it. Although some think I wreak of confidence and seem comfortable to explore the unfamiliar.
Truth is, there is always a little fear that attempts to hold you hostage when you are about to do something new. I have been held hostage many a times. I just decide, in the spare of the moment, to be the smart hostage that out-thinks her captor. It always seems to be an easy task to evade the situation. I mean, I’ve come face to face with this captor so many times in my life that it should be getting easier and easier to evade. Matter of fact, I should now be walking hand in hand with my captor smiling, showing off all the places I have managed to get to using the edge the captor gave me.
Well, I do have places to show. My skin, heart and soul are marked with scars both ugly and beautiful. It is one ugly scar on my heart that led me to this place.
This unfamiliar place of exploring the unknown. A place of getting excited by something new and different. I was in a beautiful long distance relationship with the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. After more than 3 years of beautiful memories, I decided I want more. I needed commitment. I couldn’t just date for fun, you know? I am too passionate for half measures. I’m an all or nothing type of girl. However, I have always been apologetic about asking for what I want. So in December 2016, after coming back from travelling a few countries in Europe with my then boyfriend, I put my foot down and asked for more. I decided to evade my captor because all this years I was a hostage. I was scared of the truth. The fact that the person I was with did not see me the way I saw him. He did not want a future or a family with me. My world was shuttered! I was in denial, I got angry, I tried to bargain, and went through depression until I finally accepted that I was no longer wanted. I felt discarded like an old handbag. Whose shoulder will I lean onto now? What is all this space going to carry now? What was I to do with all these emotions? Where am I supposed to take all this love?
This is where it all began.